wishful thinking

back to basics.

2011-08-31T02:46:00.003-04:00

I am going through the book of John because I realized that I really need to be doing all I can to fall back in love with my Savior again. It's crazy that I am prone to falling in and out of love with a God who has loved me unconditionally even before the thought of me was conceived by my parents. It doesn't make sense. Isn't this the Love that my heart ultimately yearns for? Why is it sometimes so hard to want to spend time with Someone who loves me so much?

I've tried to tackle that with my small group but I'm not sure I resolved much other than acknowledging that I don't want to not be in love with God.

The only thing I could do was just.. be honest with God. It's not like he doesn't know what I've been going through. I haven't been able to trick him like I can trick other people by pretending that everything was okay. With some encouragement from Francis Chan's book, I was able to keep telling God that I really needed his help falling in love with him again.

He still spoke to me and comforted me and loved me while I was/still sorta still am going through this. What a guy! haha

I picked up my Bible after having a disinterest for far too long and just felt like I should be reading the book of John. I wanted to get to know Jesus again. It's been so good. Sometimes, I need to stop myself from reading too much so that I would be able to process all of what I'm reading. Other times, I still have trouble just picking up my Bible. But I know God is at work!

Tonight, I read this and it encouraged me:

"My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one can snatch them out of my hand. My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all; no one can snatch them out of my Father's hand" ~ John 10:27-29

- this is actually very similar to the Romans 8:35-39 post I submitted back in January. It's so good to know that this truth never changes.

cute! :)

2011-02-05T02:49:00.001-05:00

smelly.

2011-01-09T23:41:00.003-05:00

i really hate the smell of cigarettes. it's not even a 'this is unpleasant, but i can suck it up and deal with it if i have to'. i really physically cannot stand the smell of it. it makes me nauseous and i feel like i need to stop breathing. not exaggerating.

so it sucks that the tenant in the basement really likes to smoke. and he is currently smoking indoors. and all that smoke is traveling through the vents in my house. not only can i not breath [let alone sleep], the stench will stay in our things.

my hair is starting to smell like cigarettes already :(

flurries.

2011-01-07T11:22:00.005-05:00

i really love having my bed right next to my window.

this is definitely my favorite kind of snowfall. :)

he's so cute :)

this is beautiful.

2011-01-05T18:28:00.000-05:00

so mesmerizing!

Romans 8:35-39 revelation

2011-01-02T15:07:00.004-05:00

"Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?... No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

this includes myself. nothing i can do, nor anything that happens to me can separate me from His love. that's amazing. :)

*thanks for reminding me, tim keller

sorry, starbucks lady.

2011-01-02T00:47:00.003-05:00

i've been thinking about this all day. can't get it off my mind.

plus, my mom bought coffee today and it smelled too good not to have so i have caffeine running through my veins at the moment and will not be able to sleep right away.

it starts with this story

yesterday, i got to spend part of the day with some lovelies. while we were waiting for people to get into the city, 3 of us decided to wait at a starbucks in chinatown. i sat down with my friend while my sister went and ordered her drink. it wasn't long until this guy came around and asked me what kind of service my phone used and saw that it had AT&T plastered at the top of it so he moved on to ask other people in search for a verizon phone. he glanced at the floor right by me and he noticed that a wallet had fallen out of this girl's pocket. i didnt notice until he bent down to pick up and look through it. the girl's friend noticed and tapped her on her shoulder and nodded towards the direction of the guy. she turned and realized that it was her wallet that he was pulling cash out of. she reached and tried to take it back saying that it was hers and would like to have it back. he wouldn't let go of the cash so she tugged harder until he would. he demanded that he be rewarded for returning her wallet b/c he could have just taken everything and left.. which was what he was going to do if she hadn't turned around at the moment she did. but she told him she was grateful for his returning her wallet and asked him to leave. he kept badgering her for a looong time saying that a $20 reward is the least she could do because he was kind enough to give everything back to her. she was obviously really scared and didn't want to make a big scene so she decided to give him what he asked for. the guy hung around for a little while longer, bragging to everyone in the store about his kind heart and her not-so-grateful response.

the point of the story isn't for me to judge the behavior of this guy. what's bugging me is the general response to the whole thing. or lack thereof. people around starbucks saw what was going on. none of us responded. we just simply watched it happen and made disgusted faces towards the guy. i've been kinda beating myself over it last night and all of today. why couldnt i have stood up for that lady? i'm trying to justify my not getting involved by telling myself that he probably would have turned my friends and i into his next targets and he wouldnt let us leave that area very easily. [he was overall a very shady character]. also i'm not very good with words so even if i did speak up, i wouldnt know what to say after "HEY!". but this scenario has been so pressed onto my mind and i really regret not speaking up for her when nobody else would/could.

i feel like this happens to me pretty often. im detail-oriented so i notice little things that people usually dont. i see a lot of people hurting and sinning against other people. and i usually just kinda .. turn away and not get involved. it's been ingrained into my chinese nature to "keep the harmony" and to keep to myself as much as possible. but that's not what Jesus says to do. i keep replaying those situations in my mind after they happen. it's heartbreaking seeing people hurt one another.

i imagine that i'm the girl who accidentally dropped my wallet. i think of how i would be feeling or what i'd be thinking... how i'd be feeling hurt and defenseless.. and how i'd wish someone would help me or stand up for/with me.. and finally how everyone is just kinda watching and pretending that nothing was happening.

ouch.

i guess i failed at loving my neighbor yesterday :(

how do you decide who to marry?

2010-11-13T00:14:00.000-05:00

(written by kids) - cute :)

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like
sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep
the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to
marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later
who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at
the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know
each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually
gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the
newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-- Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
-- Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry
them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need
someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is........
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
-- Ricky, age 10

sweet.

2010-08-07T00:35:00.002-04:00

MAN i love looking at pretty things. especially art and cakes. :) i could look at these all day!!

changes here, changes there, changes everywhere!

2010-08-06T16:02:00.002-04:00

everything's changing. everybody's moving. i wanna move away too!!

but on another note, i missed florence :)
i'm glad she's home and that we're neighbors and that she offers me cheesecake when i'm not feeling well haha <3

imy

2010-07-17T00:04:00.001-04:00

it's been so long since i've seen my lovely bing'ers. i miss you guys. a lot! :)

*sigh

2009-02-03T18:29:00.002-05:00

i hate it when you guys do this to me -.-
bixler + winnie.
you`re getting yourselves pretty high up there on my hitlist.
just thought you two should know.

Heart Beats

2009-02-02T23:02:00.002-05:00

More per minute when I'm with a certain very tall white guy, -a---- --x--r. Age isn't a boundary to love is it?

life

2009-01-08T02:00:00.002-05:00

You are good.

2008-12-11T19:45:00.002-05:00

i havent felt peace like this in such a long time.
:]

hm.

2008-07-12T21:04:00.005-04:00

i am a total jerk.

God, im sorry that im so terrible at this character building stuff.

--edited @ 1:55am
...but i thank you for giving me the friends that stick by me, even when i cant seem to figure things through. :]

what happened?!

2008-05-08T06:35:00.002-04:00

oh what a drastic change of mood in just one day!
yea, it`s 6.30 and im still up
tuttle`s sitting next to me typing up a paper
im lagging with with my words.
im so stressed/tirreeedd.
im afraid that if i go to sleep, i wont wake up =\
i finished most of the work i needed to get done [praise God!]
thanks for all your prayers ! :]

i realized that when im awake really late at night
and im talking/typing to people
i tend to just go on and on and on.
brainfarts. a lot of em haha

im going to go stick my journals under my prof`s door.
then im going back to my room for perhaps a power nap?

the sun is out. it`s beautiful. good night. xD

midnight breeze

2008-05-07T03:31:00.002-04:00

its 3.30, but i figured its the perfect time for my first post xp

i was walking on the path from the library back to oneida and everything felt so... good. the weather isnt chilly, the breeze is crisp. and all is well with my soul. sure, i have 2 chinese tests in the span of 48 hours, an essay outline and 5 journals due thursday, 2 finals and a paper due next week... but for some reason, im not freaking out over the load of work in front of me. this could totally be potentially dangerous for my grades, but it feels so so good to be at peace at a time like now.

im not really sure why though...
it could be that im repressing my usual anxiety-driven ego.
it could be cus of a recently restored friendship.
it could be cus of the more recently restored friendship.
it could most definitely be God giving me an emotional break
[if that makes any sense]
i dunno, but i love it :]

okay
back to bed [btb! lol]

and in case any of you dont understand what olivehue stands for,
stand in front of a mirror and say it to yourself without making a sound.
:]